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US will spend billions to discard and upgrade antiterror devices

WASHINGTON - After spending over $4.5 billion on devices to screen visitors and monitor ports, borders, airports, and the mail, the federal government admits that it must now replace much of its antiterrorism equipment as ineffective, unreliable, or too expensive to operate. Now, in an effort to create a virtual shield around America, the Department of Homeland Security plans to spend as much as $7 billion more to replace these useless devices, according to government officials. Many of the monitoring tools were purchased during the surge in security spending after September 11, 2001.

"Everyone was standing in line with their silver bullets to make us more secure after Sept. 11," said Randall Larsen, a retired air force colonel and former government adviser on scientific issues. "We bought a lot of stuff off the shelf that wasn't effective."

Among the antiterror technology that will be replaced:

• Shoe-Bomb Sniffer.  Looks exactly like one of those fluffy white mechanical dogs you see in toy stores. It moves its legs in a walking motion, bobs its head, sits, and makes an alto bark-bark-bark when security personnel push the red button on the corded hand-held control. It doesn't actually detect bombs; its purpose is to freak out potential shoe-bombers and force an on-the-spot confession when the little white dog wags its head and says bark-bark-bark right at a shoe. Cost: $90 million.





• Reference Shapes.  These resemble refrigerator magnets and function in roughly the same way: Stick these shapes up on the side of the X-Ray machine and never again mistake a hair dryer for a .38 revolver! Set includes many other potentially lethal shapes, like cork screws, pointy nail files, the top-to-toe burka, and swarthy men in fez and kaffiyeh headgear. Cost: $34.8 million.





• Upskirt Gotcha.  The device looks suspiciously like a can of compressed air, but this industry-approved security model has a wide flange to maximize the effect. It works by directing a blast of air so that unsuspecting women are forced to reveal whether they are carrying hidden explosives or weapons under the skirt. Cost: $48 million (at $2 million per case). The Norma Jean model (at $3 million per case) also comes with security-inspector spy binoculars, for observation at a distance.





• Middle Eastern Terrorist Indicator.  Direct any suspect behind a security curtain and have him turn the handle on the locator. A simple melody plays and then—up pops a plastic pig! If the suspect acts startled or backs away from it, this is good evidence that he is probably a Middle Eastern Terrorist and should be questioned further. Cost: $8 million.





• Low-Intensity Microwave Emitter.  This device uses low-intensity microwave energy to measure the dielectric constant of objects present on the body. If explosive materials are present, their reflection or absorption of microwaves is indicated and a locator appears on a matrix-frame representation of the scanned person. This device may cause burns on skin or clothes, and may also accidentally warm nearby beverages and pop any bagged popcorn in the vicinity. Cost: $200 million per installation. The Sears Kenmore® model includes temperature dial and ready indicator.

Satire using shortened, barely re-written, slightly altered news articles published in the Boston Globe, May 8, 2005, and the International Herald Tribune, May 9, 2005.

I lost a week.  I blame it on technology, or the lack thereof, but I learned a lesson about my reliance on things that are rooted in the earth. Last Saturday I went to sleep with a dead hard drive and woke up in New York City in the Sunday May 1 March by the UN and Rally in Central Park. My daughter L. and I came home that evening a little sunburned, but optimistic that our energetic focus group had saved lives, restored America's international reputation, stopped the expansion of nuclear weapons, effectively ended US military intervention in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, North Korea, et cetera—but still I couldn't get to my blog. I have a burden for this, after all. I had a pocketful of Origami swans, gifts from the many Japanese protestors and Hiroshima/Nagasaki survivors who marched with us and lingered for the rally in Central Park, but I couldn't write about it. Again, the dead hard drive. Clak ... clak ... clak .... Still under warranty and a new one wouldn't get here until Friday. What was it Ecclesiastes said? Oh, yeah: "dead flies give perfume a bad smell."

Well, UPS delivered the replacement drive on Friday afternoon and I so I spent all night and Saturday reinstalling and rehacking my P4 system until it hummed again. And so I am back to future again, having learned a lesson about my reliance on things that are rooted in the earth. "'Meaningless! Meaningless!' says the Teacher. 'Everything is meaningless!'" And so, like Sisyphus, I roll the stone again, mixing my metaphors.